2001-04-19

I turned in my two weeks notice at noon, when I came in for my 12-9 shift. I met with the director (on another matter) at one. Her response was classic. She said: Wow. That was all for about 30 seconds (which to sit and stare at someone and not look like the cat that ate the canary is a long time) and then another wow. Then another 20 seconds and then: Is this a good thing? Is this really what you want?

I don't know the answer to this question. I'm sure my fantasy self would have loved to say something along the lines of:
No, what I really want is two-way communication. I want to work just 40 hours and not feel guilty for not getting things done, things I might add I would have to work 50 hours a week to get done. I wanted to like this job, and I think I could have had I received the support and direction I needed instead of the almost constant criticism I received.

But instead I said my prepared: Yes, this has been a difficult year for me emotionally, and I would like to spend some time doing something for me (my letter said I was going back to school full time).

I've given this move a lot of thought. I've been worried about it almost constantly since I made the decision. Even walking in to work today I was tempted to not resign, to keep working. But then I realized two things 1) gas prices are on the rise again and soon it really won't be worth me driving so far to go to a job that makes me cry and 2) it was really gorgeous outside today and if I wasn't working I wouldn't have to go inside. I am really worried about money and affording an adoption. Husband is pretty sure he wants to go with Catholic services so; we really won't need gobs of money until the end of the summer. And by then we will have saved all the gas money from me driving back and forth to work, and all the eat-out money from being too tired to cook. I am really worried about what will happen to me without the distraction of work. Most of all I am afraid of being a quitter.

I am not generally a quitter. I quit Girl Scouts only because we moved to a town that didn't have a troop. I never quit the band even though my freshman year of marching band was one giant hazing ritual. I quit rainbow girls but I actually lost sleep about it for weeks. I never even wanted to break up with boyfriends because that was quitting. I stayed on the math team through the year that I didn't make first string, even though I had earned it by placing sixth in the tryouts (six person team). Just an aside here, fifteen years later this still makes me mad, I worked hard for that placement and I placed higher at the competition than 3 people that were on the "team" so my great score didn't count for them and I still didn't get to go to state as art of the team. I just don't quit.

But it seems that I do quit. I quit jobs a lot (this is my third job in five years). This of course has me all paranoid and sure that the problems here are just my fault. I have become sure that there is some flaw in me. But then I hear about the EO being up to her old tricks, sending nasty memos to the circ staff team leader that went to the director first about the lack of shelf reading. While the other half of the library goes un-shelved. I hear about the employee that regularly forgets to lock the safe and the back door that doesn't get the public ass chewing that I get for leaving the copy machine on. And so I have started the "I will be glad when my time here is done because" list.

So far I have:
Gas prices are going up and I hate driving so much (the environmental argument)
I will have time to visit my family
I will finally finish my second masters
I'll be in a better position to promote my adoption plans.
I'll see husband more.
I won't dread waking up and hopefully will sleep better too.
I won't dread Sundays.

I want to keep adding things every day-oh I'll have more time to sew (although less money for fabric).

I think I'm looking forward to my last day.

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