2001-03-08

I am not sure why, it just wasn’t happening. Oh sure, I was tired, but my mind was racing. I almost came downstairs and wrote an entry. I think it was because of all the things going on around me. Work, friends and babies all seem to be occupying my mind lately, swirling around and keeping me awake.

Work

Of course I was worried about work. Director wanted me to update her about the grant, which must be spent by the end of this month. The meeting was today and I dreaded it. I spent two days trying to sort out my files, which had all been altered by the director while I was gone. I didn’t dare say anything about her changing files without keeping the “original” computer file intact. I knew it would be my fault. Turns out the meeting was harmless. I was organized enough to pull it off and remarkably nonplused when I got the scolding I had been expecting. It seems that when I left to be home with the baby, I left things at work undone. Imagine that. I had no idea when the baby was coming (the due date if you will recall was always a guess), I had no idea if we would take her home from the hospital and I had no idea if we would get to keep her. I “should have” e-mailed people about the status of projects I had left unfinished. Particularly that damn brochure which director assumed I had not started. Is it obvious to anyone else that my director has no children or even a clue? I can honestly say, during that week, work was the very last thing on my tired little mind. Dead last. Not even close to the next thing. I almost forgot to call them and tell them I wasn’t coming in. That’s how last they were. However, I kept quiet and treated her like a patron who announces they are looking for a book that lists all the wizards living in Michigan. Calmly, smoothly, non threateningly, I gave no more than the required answer and beat a path for the door.

Friends

I’ve been thinking a lot about my friends. About how I owe a thank you letter to a friend who was like a third mom to me through the whole adoption process. About how I should e-mail my oldest friend and find out how she is and what is up. She didn’t e-mail me on my birthday this year, perhaps for the first time in 20 years (good lord she’s been my friend since 3rd grade I feel 22, how can I have a friend I have known longer than 20 years!). and of course I worry about Jenn. This bedrest has been hard on her and scary all at the same time. I wish I could keep her company while she goes through this.

Babies

Ok, today I heard a baby cry in the library and I thought instantly--formula! diapers! where are the diapers! One month ago tonight was the night I got “the call”. And today is C-’s first birthday. I have babies on the brain. Amazingly enough I don’t feel the tears coming. I feel a little depressed, kind of along the “will this ever happen for us” line of thinking. everyone we know seems so sure. I wish I could gaze into their crystal balls. I find myself wanting to tell people about her. I want to tell them, I think to make her feel more real to me, she is starting to feel just like a dream I had. No one wants to hear about baby butts and soft downy hair and poops that go from cute to smelly very fast. No one wants to hear about the noises she made when she finally (!) got that bottle she wanted. At least not as much as I want to talk about them. Really, how long can anyone be expected to hear the same stories from the same week--frozen in time by the circumstance?

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