Valentine's day 2002

It sucked.

It was so fake that I found myself both laughing, and crying and the inner voice was chastising me about how I couldn't write. The truth is, I have no idea how my life might be different if Zoe's birthparents hadn't taken her back. I don't know if she still would have died in her sleep on May 25. I don't know if I'd be working anywhere, taking classes or done any of the things I've done in the last year. Unlike Terri in the original, I've never lived the life I wanted to fictionalize--I've never lived the life of mom of one year old adopted daughter. And perhaps more importantly, I don't really hate how this year has turned out. I'm disappointed, of course and wildly sad at times, but overall I don't mind this me. For once in a long time, I like my job. Oh I don't love it to the point where I go early and stay late and some days I want to tear my hair out, but overall I like my co-workers (in spite of their oddities--hey I have my own too), I like my clients (except their damn cell phones--note to self write rant about cell phones) and I like the feeling that I'm helping people learn. I also like my classes, and especially that I am nearing the end. Husband and I, I think, have grown closer and I feel overwhelmed with joy at knowing I can count on him (and he on me) through what had to be the worst of times.

So, I'm spending this week remembering. I'm remembering all the little things that I possibly can. It is hard in a way to remember, because I was so sleep deprived and the week seemed to fly. Mostly I remember the way her hair felt when she nuzzled my neck. I hope I never forget that.

In case you are also keeping track Saturday (Feb 16) is the anniversary of the day we had to take her back. And it is also my two year journal anniversary. Certainly a mixed feeling day. I'm choosing I guess to be happy that I managed to stick out the online journal thing this long. Yay me!

More on the in case you are keeping track thread I finally got my car back from being repaired. It took almost three weeks, but in the end it was fixed, and I did not pay for it. I do miss not having to park in the horribly busy parking lots. And I miss riding with husband in the mornings. However, waking him up was such a pain. Honestly, you'd think waking him up at 7am was a huge deal. He made it sound like working 8:30-5:30 in an office where you are constantly interrupted sound like the worst way to spend a day--forget that I spend four out of my five days like that and the fifth in meetings! I swear I was about to let him have it big time.

Between not having a car, not being able to do laundry one weekend and having to go to a funeral the next weekend (husband's uncle died suddenly last week) I've been pretty busy. I hate feeling like I should go home and do a load of laundry, do dishes and do one other piece of housecleaning before I go to bed. Fortunately husband felt he shouldn't have to cook after working all day (at the office to be fair he works all day at home usually) so there were no dishes. Slowly though I am catching up and by the time we take a spring break vacation I should be caught up enough to fall behind.

For those of you who are just plain stalking me, I finished my one minute narrative and exported it to quicktime (it is due tonight). I need to upload it, and then perhaps show it to all of you.

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