2002-02-21

Last night it was the opportunity. The catholics finally called and want us to start the homestudy process. It has been a year since we've heard from them. I feel strangely excited. Husband on the other hand wasn't as excited and couldn't figure out why I was. "It's Feburary", he explained. He I think felt let down, here we planned a health insurance jump and a savings plan based on doing IVF this summer and suddenly the catholics called.

We talked a long time about this, almost all night in fact. I can see his point and he can see mine. He feels a little guilty that he doesn't want to pursue this. I feel a little guilty that I do. I worry about an IVF failing and how I'll feel emotionally. He says, "how will that be worse than losing Zoe?" And I don't have an answer. I worry we will spend the money on IVF and end up going the adoption route and starting over at the beginning. He worries that we'll lose another child. In the end we came to a decision.

Today, I'll call the catholics and tell them we aren't ready to go in March, and to please keep us on the list because we might be ready next year.

See both of us have to want to do this, really want to do this. Adoption is like a rocky path up a hill. You know the view will be worth the climb and you know the climb might be harder than it looks (might be easier too). But both partners need to believe in the climb, both need to know that the if one stumbles the other will have the strength to carry the other for a while. We don't have that on the issue of domestic adoption, not yet. I do think we are at that point on IVF.

Honestly, I'll start writing about happy things soon--really because you know shamrock shakes are right around the corner.

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