2003-04-10

Well, it has been six weeks. I still can't believe it has been six weeks. Sometimes it seems much much shorter and sometimes it seems like it has been a year. They really have changed our lives.

I'm really enjoying some aspects of motherhood, but still finding myself overwhelmed and caught up at times in the "baby blues" I mourn my old life--a life I was certain I wasn't that attached to. I worry that I'm being a good mother.

One thing that makes me feel this most is "the question." It seems that everyone around me has questions about aspects of my parenting--the main one being am I breastfeeding. Since I seem to be constantly answering this question in realife (really do you go around asking new moms how they are feeding their kids--it just seems weird to me to ask) I'll also answer it here. Yes and no. I'm breastfeeding AND we are using formula. It wasn't that we couldn't do exclusively breastfeeding, it just didn't work for us. So they get about half their food as formula and half as breastmilk. People in realife hmmm a lot when I say that.

I'm also finding myself holding resentment. When I found out we were going to have twins I went through a little bit of resenting, why couldn't there be just one, what problems would two bring etc... I made my peace with it and became determined to have a healthy pregnancy and to do the best I can. After the girls were born I found myself with new resentments. Sure I love them both very much and I would NEVER EVER want to give one of them up, but I resent things. I resent that I've had to change some of my ideals about parenting becaue there are two. I resent that i can't focus all my attention of each of them. I resent that I need help to take care of them--not husband's help but the people I must rely on when he is not around. I resent that relying on these people changes how they are being fed, rocked etc. i know I'll get over this too in time. I know that these are minor issues--I have the family i've always dreamed about. We will make it work, I'll accept it and do everything I can to minimize the "risks" just like when I was pregnant.

I know this sounds very negative and I don't mean it that way at all. Every day has had some joy in it, joy that I can't even begin to find words to express. EGG is "smiling" it looks like an open mouthed schrunched face look, but she does it in reaction to my talking to her. ARG has an open faced look that just looks so happy it makes me burst with pride. I love these girls and I can't believe they are my children.

I'm their mom and that just wows me every single day. I just hope I'm making them just as proud to say i'm her daughter.

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