2008-12-28

So, I mailed presents to my brother and my mom , but not to BIL and SIL because I got them a candle (which is a yankee candle---damn those are pricey, and they wanted one).... and MIL is going there sometime.

But my mom and brother are not mailing our presents to us... citing size/amount making it prohibitive. And MIL is going that direction someday....

We had a nice Christmas here, I felt great relief at not having to make the big drive, but great sadness at not seeing my extended family, and great relief at not having to deal with the fallout of my nephew's behavior issues on my kids.

I'm starting with all this, in part, so you can see how conflicted I'm feeling lately. see because I'm a little sad and disappointed in myself.
See there was the issue of my stocking. Husband and I have always done stockings for each other. We get each other small trinkets (chapstick, post-its, pens, candy) nothing big. In the past, he hasn't always "gotten" exactly what constitutes a stocking gift, but usually he buys me some candy I like and buys a few things from the dollar section at target or Micheals that he thinks I might like. This year not so much. You see this year, he put in the traditional fruit and a few handfuls of candy that *I* bought for the whole family. Thats it.

He did get me a really nice Christmas gift, and said he had already gone a bit over the agreed upon budget and didn't feel right spending another $10 on stocking stuff. But man I feel disappointed. Top this off with the fact that my mom also does stockings (only as a "santa box" in which she goes overboard) and mine is trapped in Illinois.

I feel incredibly selfish and greedy that I'm upset by this. I know there are people even within my own community who did not have as nice a Christmas as we did. I know there are people who would find the modest amount we spent on Christmas gifts to be a luxury. I know there are people who forego gifts for each other so they can spend what we did on the ladies. But I'm still upset.
I feel odd that I'm upset over not getting chapstick or post-its or some small notebook or a cheap fancy pen. But I am. yes, i could also go out and buy myself stocking stuffers. I could probably do it for less than $10 and I could probably do it and not have anyone even realize that that is what I'm compensating for. Heck, I can even think of what I would buy (a stitch marker, a row counter, chapstick, toblerone, a small notebook, an ornament that says "mom"), but it isn't the same.

I have decided though, that it isn't the gift. It is the feeling that my husband did not even try. I feel (irrationally) that he doesn't care about me because he didn't buy me chapstick.
I know it is silly. I know he loves me and cares for me. I know he'd be floored that I put such great feeling into it. I know that when we talked a little about it he was sad that he'd let me down. I know it really isn't even about the chapstick. I know all these things, and yet, I'm crying as I type because it still hurts.

And yet, I also know I need to let this go. I cannot hold this as a grudge, I cannot let this hurt wound me or my marriage. Many religions have traditions to aid in giving things up, to God to the universe. I don't know of any that Methodism has (aside from singing the hymn Trust and Obey) or I'd do that. So, I'm writing this and throwing it out to the Internet in an attempt to let it go and get over it.

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