2009-02-04

Somehow instead of longing for what I had and for what I lost, I find myself gripped in what can only be described as a bout of the crazies. I want another baby.
Now another baby isn't happening around these parts for a whole host of reasons that don't even start with I'm nearly forty, and they certainly don't end with the infertility issues that still would cause us to not expect a pregnancy. Husband doesn't want another baby. I don't really want to deal with the sleep issues a newborn causes. I seem to be having enough trouble dealing with the lack of sleep I'm getting from Amy and Emily who right now are sick, in the sense that after dark they start coughing like people who have pack a day habits. In fact today I took a nap while they were at school, during a time I usually run because last night at work around 9:30 I started having visual disturbances I usually associate with sleep depravation (my eyes will not focus on text at all).

So ahem, no more babies.

But I think I'm missing that feeling of having a baby snuggle in your arms. I miss the laughs as you raspberry a baby belly. I miss the gummy smiles and the slobbery kisses and the rapt attention babies seem to pay to the adults in their lives. I miss how babies get the look of wonder in their eyes when they first spot their toes. I even miss the look of satisfaction they do after they poop.

I've been feeling this way for a few weeks, and have discussed it with husband. We've come to the same conclusion. I want a daytime baby. But seriously, I miss the days when my girls were babies instead of long legged, hand on the hip talking, kindergarten going girls they have become.
I can see myself in 5 more years wishing they were kindergartners again, missing all the weird stuff they say. (Amy to me on the phone last week: it was good talking to you. Emily to the birthday boy this morning: these are really great cupcakes, can I get the recipe?) Missing the way that every single holiday must be celebrated from groundhog day to Mexican constitution day. (I finally took down the calendar the city sends every year because I was really tired of explaining that yes, there were words on the calendar for today, but large trash pickup for zone c was not a holiday and no, we would not make a cake to celebrate.)
I guess my goal for Feb this year, is not so much the mourning for what I don't have, be that Zoe, or babies or my children as babies, but to try to relish in what I do have. I want to make a bigger effort to capture some of the funny stuff they say and do, because in five years... well they'll be "tweens" and God help me I'm not ready for that.

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