2009-11-06

Monday I made a big to do list and listed 11 "extra" things that I needed to do that day. I got them all done but then I realized that I like the list format and it has been a long time since I did list as entry.

Every time someone describes their child as free spirited or energetic or is worried that some teacher or day care worker will "break their spirit" I secretly think, that child is a brat. No one ever really says--my child is an undisciplined hellion and I like it that way. But if you tell me your child is an energetic free spirit you can be assured that this is what I'm thinking.

I really love picture books. I think it is great that they cover a range of topics. I've always sought out picture books to help explain difficult concepts to Amy and Emily. And when I work with the school kids in the library I am always looking for good picture books that explain things like the dewey decimal system. Well back in October, as I was getting ready to go to my first mammogram, I realized I needed a picture book called: My first Mammogram. I haven't gotten the courage to actually check the library catalog to see if one exists, but I'm doubting it. After all there wouldn't be much market for it. But it would have helped explaining it to Amy.

Amy is quite the hypochondriac. Not just for herself although she did crack me up when she came to me hands over her cheast demanding that I look at her to determine she didn't have "breastes" (breast) cancer. When I explained this mammogram thing to her she asked me: So when will they call you to tell you you have cancer? I said--they will call me with the results, but it doesn't mean I have cancer.

Two days later Amy says offhandedly: so are they going to call you to tell you that you have cancer? That night they do call and say that my picture is not very clear and they need more done on the right side. They tell me it is ok to wear deoderant on the left if I want for that test. I forego because um weird. Turns out they want to look closer at the left. I keep thinking of a joke we had in college about the left breast.

Someone needs to do a lot more customer service training for nurses and medical office personnel. I know everyone and their mom is calling the office about H1N1 and I know the office has to give out the same information repeatedly. I know that many people are not polite about this either. And yet, every time I've called about it (and been nice because I am nice and know it isn't their fault) I've had the snippy response, like--I've told you this 5 times before lady, when are you going to GET it. And to be fair, I've only asked about h1n1 twice in part because the first time I asked the answer was: we don't know and we won't know for a few weeks. I have called repeatedly about seasonal flu vaccine, because every time I call they tell me to check back in a week or so. Then when the mammogram people called the nurse was all--we need better pictures, it isn't urgent, how does tomorrow at 1 work for you? Oh kay, not urgent, how soon can you get here.

Maybe there is a theme to this entry.

I did the repeat and negelected to bring my book because during my first session, I got to read all of about 20 words of the book I brought. This time of course I was there for an hour and was able to finish Real Simple (either October or November 09 even). I have concluded that not only do I wash my face incorrectly, put my makeup on incorrectly--or rather in the incorrect order, and have no desire to remake an old CD into a coaster, but Real simple is a misnomer. They should call that magazine, Real Complicated. When I suggested as much to husband he said: I thought you promised me you'd never read that again.

I think sometimes that there are moments that are the pivot moments. These moments are the ones where your whole outlook pivots, your world tips its axis a little. Sometimes I think we don't recognize them as such. I know that the first time husband kissed me, I didn't see it as the pivotal moment that it was. But other times, we know that *this* is the moment that everything changed. I know I felt this when I learned I was pregnant with Amy and Emily. I knew, even if I didn't know how that my whole world was different and always would be. I'm not sure which camp the phone call I got on Wednesday is in. The Doctor's office called to tell me that there is a nodule in my left breast that is most likely dense breast tissue, but needs to be monitored just in case it isn't. So back I go in May. I've been upset because my first google on the subject says nodule=lump. And I've been conditioned by the media to believe that lump=cancer. And even though I *know* that heart disease kills more women every year than breast cancer, and my family history would suggest that heart disease will get me before breast cancer, I still think cancer=deadly. Husband googled for me because I can never bear to do that and his webmd findings suggest that 85% of lumps are non-cancerous.

I'm not as brave as I pretend to be. I've been crying and scared and generally have not told my mom or MIL this news. I wanted to get to a stage where I could be confident enough to withstand any panic that might arise. Husband has been great and we've agreed not to tell Amy and Emily until there is something to tell. I think though that today while I was running I finally got *there*.

Usually when I run, I do these repeat a phrase things as I feel like I can't go another step. One more step. you can do it. I admit that sometimes even though distance wise my running is not far (between 3-3.5 miles) sometimes it is tougher than others. I've learned that you can't jump off the couch one day and run a marathon the next. Doing anything hard takes practice. Knitting, reading, running all took time and baby steps to get confident. So today unbidden at about mile 2 came this: It probably isn't cancer, but if it is I'm going to kick its ass. And you know what, when I got home I tried it aloud. I tried it with swearing (it probably isn't cancer but if it is I'm kicking its fucking ass!) and i tried variations--It most likely isn't cancer but on the off chance it is--left breast you are on notice! I think I'm finally believing it: It most likely isn't cancer, but if it is I CAN and will kick it.

I'm still scared, I'm still a tiny bit worried. I'm still trying to figure out how this will not occupy my thoughts every day for the next six months. I'll get there.

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